something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
ok first of all what the fuck
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
