i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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