Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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