Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
