Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
