Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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