Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i now understand why vodka
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
