Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
