Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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