I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
