i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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