The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We got so high we made milksteak
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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