I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
