That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
