Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
