I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
