did you get engaged???
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
