you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
