I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
