I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
