It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
