His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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