Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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