i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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