Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
