it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
