New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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