someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
