So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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