dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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