i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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