I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
