the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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