you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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