I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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