I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
