We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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