My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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