WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have already put on my inside pants.
The adults are the big ones right?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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