hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
