DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
