Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
