Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
