in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And then he peed in my hair
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