i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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