i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
