You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
