You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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