I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
This is my gift to your gina
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
