so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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