Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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